Charlie Weis' Job Hunt

From True/Slant on December 1, 2009:

Charlie Weis, Job Applicant.

Charlie Weis is a busy guy, what with getting fired and cleaning out his office and setting up a new paypal account to receive all those large payments from the Notre Dame Athletic Department and all. Through a fluke of modern technology, I’ve been able to tap into some of coach Weis’ voluminous correspondence over the past 48 hours. Here are some of the choicest bits:

To: God@NFLPatriots.net
Dear Bill,
It’s been a long time and I know with your grueling work habits and legendary tunnel vision and all, you may not be aware that I’m looking for a job. We had a good run together, remember? Ah, the glory days we had with Super Bowls and video parties. Not to mention wing night every night. Gosh, I get teared up just thinking about the good times.
Just think, Bill, we could get back there. Imagine what I could do pulling the strings with Brady and now Moss? Perhaps with me back on board, we could win some more Super Bowls again, huh? I don’t even need to be paid much, because Notre Dame has to pay me for another six years. Please, Bill.
Charlie

Reply To: BigmaninSouthBend@AOL.com
Sorry, Charlie. Maybe you didn’t see the Monday night game, but what I need is a defense, not a new O.C. I’d bring you on to, um, film, but ever since Goodell busted my chops on that a few years ago, I’ve had to cut way back on the number of toadies I can keep on my staff here in New England.
Your best buddy 4ever,
Billy B.

——————————————————————————————-

To: GMPioli@KCChiefs.com
Dear Scott,
My it’s been a long time. Congratulations on the new gig. Say, can you put in a good word for me with coach Haley? I’ve been calling and calling, but I just get that music on his cell phone, and as much as I enjoy the Pointer Sisters (hey, who doesn’t), he never returns my calls. I really think I can help him with Matt Cassell and you know, the Chiefs would have a decided schematic advantage with me on board.
Sincerely,
Charlie

Reply to: JerzeyBoi@Yahoo.com
Charlie,
As always, nice to hear from you. I ran it by Todd and he promises he’ll think about it, but he’s got a lot on his plate between cutting Larry Johnson and getting his ass beat by Philip Rivers. Trust me, he’s a little overwhelmed. But you know I’m your dawg and I’ll keep working for you. You’d love it here. This place is full of awesome barbeque.
Scottie Peezy

——————————————————————————————–

To: JCastiglione@OklahomaAthletics.org
Dear Joe:
I hear that you might be in the market for a new head football coach.
I am an undeniable heavy hitter in the coaching world. Although I’m not one for tooting my own horn, I did win Super Bowls with the New England Patriots. Which I’m sure you know. I’ve attached my resume, as well as video clips of some of the finest offensive plays ever conceived in the history of football from my years with New England. As will be abundantly evident to you, with me at the helm, your Sooners would most certainly enjoy a decided schematic advantage.
I look forward to your prompt response.
Charlie Weis

Replyto: 3TimeSBChamp@gmail.com
Dear Charlie,
Stoops is staying. Stick it, jerk.
Joe

——————————————————————————————–

To: ADSwarbrick@NotreDame.org
Dear Mr. Swarbrick,
Please begin depositing the six years of salary into my PayPal account at www.paypal.com/us/imstill=hungry forthwith.
Stay Golden,
Yours, Charlie
Class of ‘78

——————————————————————————————–

To: Oprah@Oprah.Oprah
Dear Ms. Winfrey,
You don’t know me, but my name is Charlie Weis and I have an idea for a new show for your new network. Let’s just say it’s American Idol meets the Biggest Loser on College Football Gameday. I know I’ve piqued your interest. Let’s do lunch.
Charlie Weis

Charlie & Me

Me and Charlie Weis, we go way back. We're like peas & carrots, bacon & eggs, salt-n-peppa. Oh, Charlie. He's not the devil, but he is bewitching. Gotta love the fat man.

trueslant.com/jodydiperna/2009/08/25/ode-to-charlie-weis/

From True/Slant on August 25, 2009:

Ode to Charlie Weis.

I love Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis. I love him so much that I feel chagrined about a story I penned a long time ago titled, “Charlie Weis Is the Devil.” It was one of the first things I ever wrote for publication; it was meant to be fun and ridiculous. Looking back, I guess Weis got my so-called career kick-started, so a thank you is long overdue. More to the point, I’d like to think I’ve matured as a writer and as a human being, too. In fact, I’ve grown so much since Weis’ inaugural season in South Bend that I do believe I’ve come full circle on the man with the big waist-size and even bigger ego.

How do I love the head man of the Golden Domes? Let me count the ways:

I love Charlie Weis because his Fighting Irish are ranked in the Top 25 heading into the 2009 football season. It may make for a wonderful fall to reality. The higher the perch, the bigger the splat. At least that’s what the nuns taught me in grade school.

I love the “decided schematic advantage” that Weis brings to Notre Dame football. But then, who doesn’t?

Back in April of 2006, Weis’ blue-chip recruit Jimmy Clausen wooed me when he committed to N.D. What made it special was that he made the proclamation at the College Football Hall of Fame. You can’t make this stuff up. If Clausen weren’t playing quarterback for the Fighting Irish, you have to think he’d have a choke-hold on a spot for the next round of MTV’s “Real World,” where he would no doubt get the shit-stirrer/villain edit.

I love Charlie Weis for losing to Navy in 2007. Some people might call that an epic fail. More like nautical fail.

Who doesn’t love a 2009 schedule which has a dozen games, eight of which are at home and only one of which is against a ranked team? Way to set the bar high for your program. As my buddy Prong! noted, perhaps college football needs something like the degree of difficulty formulas used for diving and figure skating.

I’m head over heels with the N.D. athletic department ever since they saw fit to re-up Weis’ contract barely halfway through the first year of his six-year contract in order to ink him to a new 10-year deal (worth $30–40 million.) Thanks for keeping Charlie at Notre Dame through 2015. You guys are beautiful.

I love Charlie Weis for this masterpiece: Syracuse 24, Notre Dame 23.


After Weis left the New England Patriots, Tom Brady only got better, winning the NFL MVP award for the 2008 season. So I guess that kinda means I love Tom Brady. Um, not really. No. Ewwww. Still, I’m sure Weis’ system was absolutely essential to Brady blossoming into the dominant player he is.

I love Notre Dame official coach’s bio which covers just the 2005 and 2006 seasons, as though 2007 and 2008 never happened. (Of course, the records are there, if you want to look for them, but in the text, ah, um, wait, I’m sure it’s here somewhere.) [http://www.und.com/sports/m-footbl/mtt/weis_charlie00.html] The English department may want to teach the football media guide in its advanced literature courses.

Few things are as entertaining as former N.D. coach, current pundit and all around goofy guy Lou Holtz. It was especially good of uncle Lou to partake in the annual Fighting Irish Kool-Aid Ritual to pick Notre Dame to win a National Championship this year.

I love Charlie Weis’ vocabulary. I haven’t heard that much profanity since my last viewing of “Reservoir Dogs.”

Perhaps the most beguiling, most alluring aspect of the big man is that fact that he actually believes his own hype. Come on over here, ya big lug, and give me a hug.

But the best part of coach Weis is that he is the gift that just keeps on giving, so I’m sure that, before it’s all over, the Charlie Weis Era will have so many more valuable lessons in store for me. In store for all of us, really, because Weis is a teacher; he’s more like a sculptor of souls, if you will. See, he’s all about giving back and passing on wisdom, like how things usually work out in the end, that water seeks it’s own level, and the belief that you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. Wow. I guess that Notre Dame really does build character.