Pittsburgh Has Steelers Fever. And the Only Prescription Is More Steelers

Today I had a bunch of errands to run. My first stop was the bank, where my teller was decked out in a Heath Miller jersey and Heath Miller earrings. She loves Heath, she told me. (And I'll tell you, just from my anecdotal research, the ladies love them some Heath Miller.) I was not surprised that she (and the other staffers at the bank were wearing Steelers jerseys - three staff members - one Troy, one Hines and one Heath) because for too many years, I worked downtown where most offices relax their dress code to allow for the ubiquitous and inevitable Steelers jerseys on Fridays before games. Attorneys who have to appear in court cannot adorn themselves in such manner (though a few do), so they opt for Steelers earrings or ties or something along those lines. That's just during the regular season, mind you. Steelers fever is viral when the team advances to the Super Bowl. The hypocycliods. They are everywhere. Terrible Towels become decorating rage de rigueur.

Of course, after my transaction, my teller and I parted ways with a mutual, "Go Steelers!" I had to think that, although Pittsburgh is a city which loves and respects idle chit-chat between strangers year round, we take it to heretofore unknown heights during the playoffs, particularly Super Bowl week. Instead of passing the time with comments about the weather (always popular) or some idiotic politician or some idiot driver, etc., the idle banter goes all-Steelers, all-the-time. Productivity must fall into a veritable crevasse throughout Western Pennsylvania on a day like today.

If a person landed in Pittsburgh today, understanding not a drop of English, they would surmise based on the circumstantial use of the phrase, "Go Steelers," that it meant "good-bye" or "have a nice day."

Then it was off to Waterworks to hit a few stores (chief among them, Bed, Bath & Beyond because the g-d supermarket never has parchment paper or butcher's string and, really, why is that?) and a few other stores. As I walked from one end of the strip mall to the other, nearly every store had a sign in the door to the effect of, "We are closing at 6:00 on Sunday. Thank you for your understanding. GO STEELERS!"

It's a sickness.

Tomorrow, a dispatch from the Strip District, the epicenter of Steelers ridiculousness and fun.

Performance Art, David Mamet and the AFC Championship Game

A long time ago, like back in the Neil O'Donnell era, I went to an evening of performance art at Mellon Park put together by this artsy guy who I kinda knew because he dated somebody I knew. I didn't much care for him. I thought he was pretentious and annoying because he was pretentious and annoying. Also, he wore purple. Lots and lots of purple all the time and I don't think I ever saw him when he wasn't wearing at least one article of purple clothing. He had a simply shocking propensity for purple. Not a dignified purple, like Northwestern or Minnesota Vikings purple, either. It was more like the shade of purple preferred by pre-pubescent little girls, the shade they would squeal with delight to find in a pen and then proceed to sign everything in purple and write on the fronts of their notebooks and stuff. That purple. He even wore purple socks. In the summer. With shorts and running shoes. (I am not making this up.)

But I started thinking about him, and this particular evening of performance art because the over-arching theme was time. It was made up of many different vignettes, some of which were more monologue and others more, em, performance artsy, if you know what I mean. And when one of them was finished, Mr. Purple would bang this little gong he was carrying around and call "Time!," only he did it in a really annoying way -- like, "TIIIMMMMMMMMEEE!" -- he really laid on that "M" and dragged it out. Then we'd all walk, like lemmings, to another spot in the park for another vignette.

I found myself thinking about Mr. Purple calling "TIIIMMMMMMMEEE" yesterday morning when I was reflecting on the Steelers-Jets game because it seems to me it was all about time, it was about the Steelers offense's ability to drain nearly all the time out of the first quarter and about the defenses's ability to make the Jets use more time than they wanted to down the stretch.

They opened the game with a 15 play, nine minute touchdown drive. Nine minutes is an insanely long time for the Steelers offense (any offense, really) to be on the field. The Jets offense must have felt helpless, just standing their on a freezing night, watching the slow, inexorable tour of destruction that was the Steelers offense at the start of the game. They were down by seven points, with one-sixth of the game gone before Mark Sanchez even touched the ball. It felt like that opening drive set the tone for the whole first half, that the Jets had been almost lulled into a coma by the first drive. In fact, the Jets held the ball for just 8:04 in the first half. TIIIMMMMMMEE!

After the Jets gamely fought back to make it a two score game, they took over near the end of the 3rd quarter on their own 13 yard line. Though they drove the length of Heinz Field, James Harrison et al. forced them to use 17 plays to do it, and chew up eight minutes of clock before Casey Hampton and Brett Keisel stoned LaDainian Tomlinson at the goal-line. This was a muther of a goal-line stand.

I realize that the Jets got a safety on the very next snap of the ball, and scored a touchdown on the ensuing drive. Of course. But think of it in terms of time. The Steelers forced them to use 12:38, almost a full quarter of the game, to score just nine points. TIIIMMMMMMEEE!

None of it works, mind you, if the Steelers offense cannot close them out.

In David Mamet's brilliant Glengarry Glen Ross, Blake tells the assembled sales team (selling what, I was never clear on) that they should:

"A-B-C. A-Always. B-Be. C-Closing. Always be closing. Always be closing."

QB rating be damned, Pig Ben is a closer. It may not be pretty and you may not be able to look at a stat sheet to see it, but he's got a killer instinct, an innate, uncanny ability to put a dagger in the other team's heart at just the right moment.

I've been critical of Bruce Arians from time to time (mostly, I just wish he'd take that little delayed handoff to Mewelde Moore and the reverse just out of his playbook. Out. Gone. Banished to the trash heap), but I have to applaud his play-calling at the end of the game, twice calling pass plays to pick up first downs when most other coaches would have just run the ball, punted and tried to pin the Jets deep. It doesn't look like much on the stats sheet:

2nd and 9 at PIT 42 B.Roethlisberger pass short right to H.Miller to NYJ 44 for 14 yards (A.Cromartie).

and

3rd and 6 at NYJ 40 (Shotgun) B.Roethlisberger pass short right to A.Brown pushed ob at NYJ 26 for 14 yards (E.Smith).

Just two relatively routine pass plays, but what those two plays really are is: "You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here - close!"

I love the calls. Of course, I love the calls because they worked. But lets face it, only a handful of coaches would do it, have the ability to to do it, because there aren't that many closers out there. Pig Ben has never thrown for a bigger 28 yards in his life.

It is a synergy of a quarterback who can make those kinds of plays and a coaching staff that trusts him to do just that. Always Be Closing. That was a closing.

"Fuck you. That's my name. You know why, mister? 'Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. *That's* my name."

Play big or go home. Once again, the Steelers are going to the Super Bowl. And they're not going in a Hyundai.

5 Reasons the Steelers Will Win the AFC Championship Game

These are the five most compelling reasons I can think of that the Steelers will win on Sunday and advance to the franchise's eighth Super Bowl appearance, in search of their seventh Super Bowl victory.

1. Pig Ben. Love him, hate him, think he should be incarcerated or wish to smash his face in with a cricket bat, it doesn't matter. The tremendously gifted Jets DB's will have to play an entirely different game this week than they have the past two weekends. Both Peyton Manning and Tom Brady are rhythm, timing quarterbacks who make tremendous pre-snap reads and can throw balls into tiny spaces. But both are pure pocket passers, neither of whom can do what #7 can do, which is break contain, break free of tackles and extend plays. The difference is not just Pig Ben, but the Steelers receivers, who have adapted to him, know what to do and where to go after that little alarm clock in their heads goes off that says, 'that big idiot is running around back there again -- get open!'

If you're the Jets, do you blitz a safety and risk Pig Ben escaping to find Wallace or Sanders in one on one coverage deep? Or find Miller underneath? Do you spy him? Do you rush three like the Ravens did and risk ending up on the wrong end of a 58 yard completion (which I'm sure is still burning up T-Sizzle.)

Pig Ben's critics always point to Brady, Manning, Brees and now, even Aaron Rogers as being much better than Roethlisberger, claiming that he's not in that class of elite quarterback. To that I say, piffle. You can have your fantasy stats and I'll take the guy who is built for the post-season, for the 4th quarter. Simply put, he is a big game quarterback. Plus, the forecast is for a windy evening at Heinz Field. Roethlisberger has proven than the can throw in the wind, but the verdict is still out on Jets pretty boy, Mark Sanchez.

2. James Harrison. Harrison is an unstoppable force, a class 5 hurricane, a tsunami lined up at linebacker. When the Steelers need something big, there's a good chance that #92 or #43 will provide that play. With Troy Polamalu having kind of an off week last week (due to injury, but still, he was off), Harrison (and Ryan Clark) filled that void. Reading through the official gamebook is like a Harrison highlight recitation: sack, tackle for loss, in coverage on an incompletion, pressure on the quarterback, sack. He is a game changer.

Like Pig Ben, he is a big game player. Earlier in the season, I heard some local radio talking head fielding questions about who was the Steelers MVP of the season. I think he was of the mind that it was Lawrence Timmons (although I could be remembering wrong) and Timmons would be a fine choice, as would Troy. But Harrison has once again dominated his side of the line of scrimmage and even changed the game as it is now played.What's amazing about all of that is that he had to adjust his game mid-stride to avoid penalties (both legit and ridiculous -- yes, I am looking at you Tony Corrente for the "falling on the qb with his full body weight" absurdity) and still be the dominant presence his teammates count on.

Sanchez may be calm and confident now, but he hasn't run into James Harrison lately, not the playoff version of James Harrison. Sanchez' current sang froid is subject to change.

3. Heeeeaaaaattttthhhhh. Yeah, that's right, Jets, the Steelers didn't have Heath Miller during that first meeting and instead, Pig Ben had to throw to Matt "Head of Granite and Hands to Match" Spaeth.

The underneath and middle routes, typically the domain of tight ends, were open enough that Pig Ben threw to Spaeth seven or eight times, even though Spaeth only managed to haul in three of those passes. Who knows? That game might have a different ending with Heath in there. Maybe he doesn't run interference on the 3rd down pass intended for Emmanuel Sanders in the back of the endzone? Maybe he makes the difficult catch in the endzone to win the game on 4th down? I'm not here to bury Spaeth; rather, I'm just making the point that those routes, the ones generally covered by a safety or linebacker, were open.

Whereas the greatness of the Jets corners is evident, the safeties, particularly in the absence of Jim Leonhard, can be exploited. This is a match up that favors the Steelers. Apparently in the last game, the Jets put Revis on Hines and Cromartie on Wallace, leaving either Eric Smith or Brodney Pool to cover the tight end. Certainly the Jets will have all kinds of new schemes, twists and stunts in store for the Steelers (Rex is no dummy), but the personnel is what the personnel is, and I like the Steelers' chances a whole lot better with Miller in the offensive arsenal.

4. Young Money Crew. Mike Wallace, Emmanuel Sanders and Antonio Brown make up the Young Money Crew and, per Sanders, he is Easy Money, Wallace is Fast Money and Brown is Quick Money, although I did hear an interview wherein Brown said he was Cash Money, which made me howl. Defenders, however, are not laughing. Not one bit.

In truth, there were legitimate questions about the Steelers wide receiving corps coming into this season. Wallace had a great rookie season, but how would he handle the attention paid to him with Holmes gone to New York? Ward, though a Hall of Famer, is getting older. We knew that the Steelers had three good passing options (including Miller), but after that it was a black hole of unknown.

Enter Brown and Sanders -- Mo' money, Mo' money, Mo' money!

Sanders, listed as third on the depth chart, contributed 28 receptions for 376 yards and two touchdowns, an unexpected bounty. He has shown that he is capable of stepping up his game on a big stage and none is bigger than this Sunday.

Brown didn't getting much playing time in the beginning and wasn't even dressed for a handful of games, but still he managed to contribute 16 receptions for 167, none more beautiful or important than the 58 yarder against the Ravens. (I don't know how fast Brown is, but it sure looked like he kicked it into another gear to gain separation as he passed Lardarius Webb.)

One more note about the addition of Brown. There has been some serious garment rending over the Steelers giving up Santonio Holmes for just a 5th round draft pick, but that draft pick was used to bring Bryant McFadden back and then go and get Brown. If you say Holmes for a 5th round pick, you say, we was robbed! But if you say Holmes for McFadden and Brown, it's a pretty good deal, particularly when you factor in salaries and such.

It is a particularly popular football cliche to say that you need a speed receiver to stretch the field and that, without one, it all turns to pain, misery and tears. That the Steelers can deploy three speedsters at one time gives them speed at the receiver position that is nothing short of an embarrassment of riches.

5. Brett Keisel. Ah, to sing the praises of the great unheralded one, he of the Nordic God-like beard, the man who, quietly mind you, took over as the anchor on the defensive line when Aaron Smith was lost for the season. Now, nobody other than Aaron Smith's family loves him more than I do. I was positively crestfallen when he was injured. But Keisel has stepped in and stepped up to not only anchor the line, but, it seems to me, to step into the leadership role that has always been Smith's.

His stats are good, but like any defensive lineman in a LeBeau scheme, they're not eye-popping. But if you're watching a replay of last week's game on the NFL Network just watch #99 for a series or two. Or do the same this week. The guy is always pushing the line back, or stringing out a running back so that Troy or Clark or Timmons can get there. He is an unseen playmaker, a virtual puppet master who allows other guys to get lots of camera time. When Keisel was out for a five game stretch, the Steelers went 3-2 and struggled to get by Buffalo. I think he's enough of an impact player that he might have altered the outcome against the Saints or made the Buffalo game a less cardiac arrest inducing affair.

The Jets did a nice job of keeping Mark Sanchez clean last week, but the Patriots don't have anybody on their defensive line who is anywhere near as good as Keisel. I'm hoping to see lots of Brett and his luxurious, multi-hued beard on Sunday night.

Bonus Reason -- The Terrible Towel. I hear tell yarns of Jets fans defiling the Terrible Towel, and worse yet, that some desecrations took place on the streets of this very hamlet, in the Strip District, no less. Not to go all Walter Sobchak on you, but we're talking about unchecked aggression here. And the Towel has drawn a line in the sand that you DO NOT CROSS.

Now, the legendary Myron Cope wrote in Double Yoi, "... I did not see the Terrible Towel as witchcraft to hex the enemy. It would be a positive force, driving the Steelers to superhuman performance ..." I'm not in direct contact with the Towel as Myron was, and do not know if the Towel will smite a team for the idiocy of that team's fans, but it is possible that these cretinous Jets fans have awakened the great might and power of the Towel. You know, I just don't know how to say this more clearly: Respect the Towel, bitches.

Troy Polamalu Makes Miracles Happen, Wills Steelers to Victory in Baltimore

You can break Pig Ben's face, you can concuss the elegant Heath Miller, you can abuse Bryant McFadden repeatedly, but you can also, and I say this on behalf of Steelers Nation, suck it Ravens.


Yup, suck it.

That Was Unpleasant, Saints 20 - Steelers 10

In the words of the great, the one of a kind, the one and only Bugs Bunny, "Ain't I a stinker?"

Yup. It was that kind of night. A stinker.

You just knew Drew Brees was not going to play another error filled game after being humiliated by the Browns last week. You just knew Gregg Williams wanted out LeBeau Dick LeBeau's defense. And yet, that was very unpleasant, wasn't it? The Saints played great. I expect that was exactly the game they wanted to play. Even so, there's plenty of blame to go around on the other black and gold squad.

Through a turgid first half and third quarter, Bruce Arians was completely befuddled by the Saints defense; despite the fact that they were sending all out blitzes on just about every play, he didn't adjust his calls until the 4th quarter. There's slow, there's obtuse, and then there's Bruce Arians.

The offense's inability to get in with a 1st and goal at the 1 yard line. Kudos to the Saints defense for a great stand there, but when you leave four points on the field like that, nine times out of ten, it's going to come back to bite you in the ass. [Of course, the Steelers D basically got those 4 points back when they put on their own amazing goal line stand denying the Saints with a 1st and goal at the 1 yard line, too.]

Pig Ben looked like ass through much of the first half; his throws were into the turf and/or way off target. He seemed to shake that off as the game went on, but he and Hines Ward have been playing together long enough that you'd think they'd have some hot reads down pat when defenses bring that kind of pressure; they didn't and that was perhaps the most discouraging element of last night's loss.

Coach Tomlin made a couple of strange decisions, the strangest of which was sending that moronic hayseed of a kicker in to attempt a 51 yard field goal late in the 2nd quarter. I knew Skippy was going to pull that kick, you knew Skippy was going to pull that kick, all 70,011 costume wearing, besotted spectators at the Superdome knew Skippy was going to pull that kick, so why didn't Tomlin? [Now seems like an appropriate time to mention that I have gone off the reservation in my loathing of Jeff Reed. His inability to hit anything but the chippiest of chip shots, combined with his short kick offs and palpable apathy on coverage units -- I can't even look at the guy anymore. Can they please start auditioning kickers today? Please?!] The end result was that the Saints got the ball at their own 41 and moved easily to get a field goal to close out the first half.

Emmanuel Sanders essentially broke up a perfect pass to Hines Ward which would have given the Steelers a huge 1st down. And it came on what seemed like one of the few perfect hot reads the Steelers made all night. Ouch. C'mon Rook. Get your head in the game.

There's lots of blame to go around, but even with all of the above and more that I haven't mentioned (like Brees playing Polamalu like a fiddle on one occasion), the game really comes down to the Heath Miller fumble.Everything was going the Steelers way. Rashard (no longer Suspect) Mendenhall, had ripped off a huge touchdown run to close the gap to 3 points. B-Mac caused a fumble on a corner blitz and the Steelers were driving for the go-ahead score. Then Miller coughed it up and the game was over because the Saints did what good teams do -- turned a great break into a touchdown. That was some kind of catch by Lance Moore. That he went up for it and held onto it with Troy and B-Mac crunching him (legally, mind you, in the torso area), was a spectacular play. You make plays like that, you deserve to win, as far as I'm concerned.

I think what's frustrating is that we know the Steelers are capable of playing better than that. Still, all hail the Saints, who played the game they needed to play, when they needed it most.

Five Things the Steelers Can Do to Survive Week 1 of the 2010 Season

Pig Ben, out for four games. Byron Leftwich, out with a knee sprain. Willie Colon, out for the year. Chris Kemoeatu sprained his ankle this week in practice (but will go on Sunday, according to reports from the Steelers.) And the Steelers open the season, at home, as 2.5 point 'dogs.

Here are five things they can do to hang in there to open the season:

1. Heath Miller. Short crossing routes might be the easiest things for Dennis Dixon to hit. Plus, Miller is one of the most reliable targets they have. The Steelers and Steelers fans recognize Miller's greatness, but I'm not sure the rest of the league does. Put the ball in his hands at least minimum five times on Sunday.

2. Double D using his legs. If I'm Bruce Arians, I'm telling Dixon to take off if he doesn't see anything he likes downfield. And take off right away. The way I figure it, if the Falcons are smart, they'll stack the box to try to take away the running game. If they do that, and if Dixon breaks contain, there's not much between him and a big gain except a couple of DB's who will likely have their backs turned away from Dixon in coverage. Dixon can fly like a gazelle, so I say use it. I know, I know, a QB can't run like that and survive the NFL, but I think he can survive four games.

3. Run behind Hotel Flozell. Hotel's footwork on passing plays is awkward, painful to watch really. And he makes up for his clumsiness with his slowness. But the guy can still knock people out run blocking. If the Steelers have any chance of establishing a running game (and that's questionable), I think it's by running right behind the Hotel (using both Issac Redman and Suspect Mendenhall) all day long.

4. Cover some kick offs, people. The Steelers have lost games to bad teams and I mean terrible, bad stinky, putrid, unfocused teams because of kick coverage failures. And I know that the kickoffs themselves are woefully short, but without Pig Ben, the Steelers offense cannot dig itself out of a hole created by the historically appalling special teams coverage units. I don't care how they do it, but they absolutely have to provide tight coverage and not give up a score or set the defense up to defend a short field. I probably should have made this bullet point 1.

5. Put the game on Matt Ryan. I know, he's good. I like the kid. I liked him when he was at BC. He doesn't throw many bad picks. He's smart and he's got a good arm. In short, the Falcons have the right quarterback in the right system.

But, but, still ... Michael Turner scares me more. He had a subpar year last year due to injuries, but the guy is nearly unstoppable when healthy. He has never averaged less than 4.5 yards per carry in his career and he's always good for a handful of really long touchdown runs per season. The first thing the Steelers defense has to do is take Turner away. Then they still have their hands full, but I like their chances if they can keep Turner under 90 yards on the day and keep him from breaking off anything big.

It's football season and it is good.